1
00:00:04,854 --> 00:00:06,754
_

2
00:00:09,170 --> 00:00:11,749
Naked cooking is really the
best way to start a weekend.

3
00:00:11,869 --> 00:00:12,955
Mm. Your parents leaving town

4
00:00:12,961 --> 00:00:15,175
- is the best way to start the weekend.
- Mm.

5
00:00:15,177 --> 00:00:16,299
Oh, babe, no,

6
00:00:16,419 --> 00:00:18,214
- Princess will eat that for his dinner.
- Oh.

7
00:00:18,334 --> 00:00:19,715
Princess! Come on! Time for dinner!

8
00:00:19,835 --> 00:00:21,781
(kisses) Come on!

9
00:00:21,783 --> 00:00:24,054
Oh, he's probably in there
humping that therapy doll

10
00:00:24,174 --> 00:00:26,586
in my mom's office again.

11
00:00:26,588 --> 00:00:27,384
Princess?

12
00:00:27,715 --> 00:00:28,775
Princess?

13
00:00:29,189 --> 00:00:30,979
- Oh...
- Oh, my God.

14
00:00:31,351 --> 00:00:33,032
- Wow.
- Oh, my God!

15
00:00:33,295 --> 00:00:35,095
Oh, look at this. Look at this.

16
00:00:35,786 --> 00:00:37,097
"I want a better life, away from you

17
00:00:37,099 --> 00:00:39,332
and you're stupid
boyfriend. Love, Princess."

18
00:00:39,334 --> 00:00:41,134
<i>I'm</i> stupid? He used the wrong "your"

19
00:00:41,136 --> 00:00:42,255
- Okay.
- And, you know, right, right.

20
00:00:42,375 --> 00:00:43,385
I'm calling the cops.

21
00:00:43,505 --> 00:00:44,538
No, don't do that.

22
00:00:44,540 --> 00:00:45,672
- Oh, my God!
- Hey!

23
00:00:45,674 --> 00:00:46,389
Chad?!

24
00:00:46,509 --> 00:00:48,475
Oh. Here he is! I found him!

25
00:00:48,477 --> 00:00:50,508
- (chuckles): I'm a hero!
- Chad,

26
00:00:50,628 --> 00:00:51,978
what are you doing here?

27
00:00:51,980 --> 00:00:54,281
I was... coming to get my dog back.

28
00:00:54,283 --> 00:00:55,916
- Then why is the room destroyed?
- Because...

29
00:00:55,918 --> 00:00:57,517
we had a very happy reunion.

30
00:00:57,519 --> 00:00:59,619
All right? We engaged in some roughhousing,

31
00:00:59,621 --> 00:01:02,355
- and we have a very physical relationship.
- Chad, you're supposed

32
00:01:02,357 --> 00:01:04,524
to be... oh, my God, I just
realized that we're still naked.

33
00:01:04,526 --> 00:01:05,621
Yep. Uh, air just kicked on.

34
00:01:05,741 --> 00:01:07,394
- I got the same draft.
- Mm-hmm.

35
00:01:07,396 --> 00:01:09,896
(sighs): All right, Chad...

36
00:01:09,898 --> 00:01:11,604
what the hell's going on?

37
00:01:11,724 --> 00:01:14,585
I know you guys are upset,
and I shouldn't have broken

38
00:01:14,705 --> 00:01:16,452
that window when the door was open,

39
00:01:16,572 --> 00:01:17,802
or tried on your dad's hats...

40
00:01:17,922 --> 00:01:19,179
- Okay, how long were you here?
- Shh!

41
00:01:19,299 --> 00:01:20,171
Do I interrupt you?

42
00:01:20,598 --> 00:01:22,196
Do I break into your
house and interrupt you?

43
00:01:22,316 --> 00:01:22,912
Yes!

44
00:01:23,032 --> 00:01:25,178
I came here to pick up Princess,

45
00:01:25,180 --> 00:01:26,746
because I've turned my life around.

46
00:01:26,748 --> 00:01:28,748
It's like that movie <i>The Notebook</i>

47
00:01:28,750 --> 00:01:31,284
if what happens is a guy
goes back to get his dog

48
00:01:31,286 --> 00:01:32,452
after turning his life around.

49
00:01:32,454 --> 00:01:33,524
(both) Well, that's not what
happens. Not what happens.

50
00:01:33,644 --> 00:01:34,921
I never saw it. And yes,

51
00:01:34,923 --> 00:01:36,252
I will take you up on that water, Matt.

52
00:01:36,372 --> 00:01:37,726
I didn't offer you a water, Chad.

53
00:01:37,846 --> 00:01:39,359
You're gonna want to.

54
00:01:39,361 --> 00:01:41,661
Because I'm about to change your lives.

55
00:01:42,946 --> 00:01:44,668
Think about all the time you spend

56
00:01:44,788 --> 00:01:46,666
washing and cleaning your clothes.

57
00:01:46,668 --> 00:01:47,634
But...

58
00:01:47,636 --> 00:01:50,041
how much time do you spend

59
00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:52,539
on the thing you wear most?

60
00:01:52,541 --> 00:01:54,794
Your skin clothes.

61
00:01:54,914 --> 00:01:55,989
- What's happening?
- I don't know.

62
00:01:56,075 --> 00:01:57,030
It's the thing

63
00:01:57,150 --> 00:02:00,042
you're wrapped up in that says
hello before<i> you</i> do.

64
00:02:01,020 --> 00:02:01,943
Behold.

65
00:02:03,596 --> 00:02:04,698
My cream.

66
00:02:06,955 --> 00:02:09,623
But... he's selling skin products?

67
00:02:09,625 --> 00:02:12,225
Yeah, I hate to say it, but
his skin does look really great.

68
00:02:12,227 --> 00:02:13,625
- Did you see his pores?
- No.

69
00:02:13,873 --> 00:02:15,994
- Yeah, neither did I.
- No, but he's supposed to be in prison

70
00:02:16,114 --> 00:02:18,483
right now, not starting an
exciting and flexible new career.

71
00:02:18,603 --> 00:02:20,701
- I know.
- And we're supposed to be having a romantic weekend.

72
00:02:20,821 --> 00:02:23,270
- What do we do?
- We got to call the cops.

73
00:02:23,272 --> 00:02:24,671
Mm...

74
00:02:24,673 --> 00:02:26,406
Okay, you're right, you're right.

75
00:02:26,408 --> 00:02:27,085
- I will call the cops.
- Okay.

76
00:02:27,205 --> 00:02:28,641
- Keep him here. keep him talking.
- Right.

77
00:02:29,110 --> 00:02:30,570
Okay. Active ingredient

78
00:02:30,690 --> 00:02:32,746
in the restorative cream is oxygen.

79
00:02:33,182 --> 00:02:34,214
Fun fact:

80
00:02:34,216 --> 00:02:35,327
you can breathe this stuff.

81
00:02:35,447 --> 00:02:36,950
- No, you can't.
- Yeah. I once kept

82
00:02:36,952 --> 00:02:38,260
a goldfish in there for seven minutes.

83
00:02:38,522 --> 00:02:39,500
- What?
- Yeah.

84
00:02:39,776 --> 00:02:41,635
Now, I can sell this to
you for retail, but...

85
00:02:41,897 --> 00:02:44,597
if you become a representative, I
can get it to you wholesale price.

86
00:02:44,844 --> 00:02:46,365
How would you like to
be your own boss, Matt?

87
00:02:46,485 --> 00:02:48,361
Oh, so this is a pyramid scheme?

88
00:02:48,363 --> 00:02:49,890
No. It's a legitimate business.

89
00:02:49,898 --> 00:02:52,065
- No, but it's actually called Ponzi.
- CHAD: It's pronounced

90
00:02:52,067 --> 00:02:53,333
- "Pone-zee."
- And the bottles

91
00:02:53,335 --> 00:02:54,334
are actually pyramids.

92
00:02:54,454 --> 00:02:56,703
It's upside down.

93
00:02:57,706 --> 00:03:00,353
Okay, you broke it,
you got to buy it, so...

94
00:03:00,473 --> 00:03:02,609
I'll take it out of your
first month's supply.

95
00:03:03,773 --> 00:03:04,972
No, no, he doesn't have a weapon,

96
00:03:05,092 --> 00:03:06,418
but he's supposed to be in prison.

97
00:03:06,538 --> 00:03:07,881
You have to come get him.

98
00:03:07,883 --> 00:03:10,016
What's he doing right now? (laughs)

99
00:03:11,119 --> 00:03:13,253
He's selling my boyfriend face cream.

100
00:03:13,255 --> 00:03:16,623
(quietly): Not a priority? He's a fugitive!

101
00:03:18,026 --> 00:03:18,911
Tax evasion.

102
00:03:19,407 --> 00:03:21,695
(groans) Oh, great.

103
00:03:21,697 --> 00:03:23,863
Thank you. Mm-hmm.

104
00:03:23,865 --> 00:03:24,738
Well?

105
00:03:24,858 --> 00:03:25,908
Cops are coming Monday.

106
00:03:26,156 --> 00:03:27,203
- Seriously?
- Yeah.

107
00:03:27,451 --> 00:03:28,828
Okay, we're gonna have to
get him out of here ourselves.

108
00:03:28,948 --> 00:03:30,304
- What are we gonna do?
- Just follow my lead.

109
00:03:30,424 --> 00:03:31,019
Okay.

110
00:03:31,139 --> 00:03:33,006
I think you guys should
try this exfoliating scrub.

111
00:03:33,008 --> 00:03:34,708
It's like Pop Rocks for your face.

112
00:03:34,710 --> 00:03:36,324
And fun fact: it's Pop Rocks.

113
00:03:36,444 --> 00:03:38,144
Hey, Chad, fun fact: we called the cops.

114
00:03:38,146 --> 00:03:39,713
You got about five minutes
before they show up,

115
00:03:39,715 --> 00:03:41,248
arrest you and take you back to jail.

116
00:03:41,250 --> 00:03:43,416
You ratted me out?!

117
00:03:43,418 --> 00:03:44,751
- Yeah. You better get going.
- Yes.

118
00:03:46,788 --> 00:03:48,388
(panting softly)

119
00:03:49,658 --> 00:03:51,591
And after I offered you a chance

120
00:03:51,593 --> 00:03:54,661
to make millions of dollars in
the comfort of your own home.

121
00:03:54,663 --> 00:03:56,563
Ticktock.

122
00:03:56,565 --> 00:03:59,566
Oh, I was a mortgage broker.

123
00:03:59,568 --> 00:04:01,597
(pants) I had a fianc�e.

124
00:04:01,717 --> 00:04:02,424
- You.
- Me.

125
00:04:02,837 --> 00:04:04,517
I had a purebred poodle mix.

126
00:04:04,972 --> 00:04:06,906
And now I'm on the run.

127
00:04:06,908 --> 00:04:10,495
I'm squatting in a house that
I sold to a woman who's too old

128
00:04:10,615 --> 00:04:11,776
to use the stairs.

129
00:04:11,896 --> 00:04:13,784
If I have to hear her
open the door and say,

130
00:04:13,904 --> 00:04:16,842
"Is someone down there?" one
more time, I'm gonna lose it!

131
00:04:16,962 --> 00:04:17,668
Mm.

132
00:04:18,150 --> 00:04:19,569
I just want my life back.

133
00:04:19,899 --> 00:04:20,740
(panting)

134
00:04:21,390 --> 00:04:23,178
I want<i> us</i> back.

135
00:04:23,298 --> 00:04:24,457
- Oh, no.
- Uh, uh, that's just not...

136
00:04:24,459 --> 00:04:25,340
(muttering) I'm... I'm...

137
00:04:25,460 --> 00:04:26,960
- I'm hugging everybody.
- Okay, that's great,

138
00:04:26,962 --> 00:04:29,529
but look, you're running
out of time here, Chad.

139
00:04:29,531 --> 00:04:31,235
- Okay.
- Look, I'm really sorry that

140
00:04:31,355 --> 00:04:32,667
all of this has happened,
but on some sort of level

141
00:04:32,787 --> 00:04:34,623
you had to know that this
day was gonna come, right?

142
00:04:34,743 --> 00:04:37,871
Yeah. But I thought success
in my own skin care line

143
00:04:37,873 --> 00:04:40,373
was going to fix the
complexion of our relationship.

144
00:04:40,375 --> 00:04:43,011
Now I see the only way to
turn things around for us is

145
00:04:43,131 --> 00:04:45,514
- to accept the consequences of my actions.
- Great.

146
00:04:45,634 --> 00:04:48,782
So I'm gonna let the cops
come and get me. I'm ready.

147
00:04:48,784 --> 00:04:51,685
(Chad sighs heavily)

148
00:04:51,687 --> 00:04:53,453
I'm ready.

149
00:04:53,455 --> 00:04:55,188
Uh...

150
00:04:55,190 --> 00:04:56,623
yeah.

151
00:04:56,625 --> 00:04:59,626
- They're not coming.
- (groans)

152
00:05:01,330 --> 00:05:02,529
They're not coming?

153
00:05:02,531 --> 00:05:03,430
- No.
- No.

154
00:05:03,432 --> 00:05:04,764
You lied to me.

155
00:05:04,766 --> 00:05:06,433
Apparently, you don't pose a threat.

156
00:05:06,435 --> 00:05:09,602
(smacks lips) I can't even
get arrested up in here.

157
00:05:09,604 --> 00:05:11,671
- I mean, we're trying, you know.
- We know. We know.

158
00:05:11,791 --> 00:05:12,738
Okay, here's an idea.

159
00:05:12,858 --> 00:05:14,184
- Great.
- Call ten of your friends,

160
00:05:14,304 --> 00:05:16,142
ask them if they care about skin health.

161
00:05:16,144 --> 00:05:16,980
If the answer is yes,

162
00:05:17,100 --> 00:05:18,712
have them call ten of their friends.

163
00:05:18,714 --> 00:05:20,448
- Hear me out.
- Or we could just drive you to prison.

164
00:05:20,682 --> 00:05:21,371
Again.

165
00:05:22,294 --> 00:05:23,534
You can pick the music this time.

166
00:05:24,622 --> 00:05:25,627
Not even Jack Johnson's

167
00:05:25,747 --> 00:05:27,115
gonna break me out of this funk.

168
00:05:28,523 --> 00:05:30,580
(Matt sighs heavily)

169
00:05:30,700 --> 00:05:33,526
You know, I really got to give it to Chad.

170
00:05:33,528 --> 00:05:34,961
He's a good salesman.

171
00:05:34,963 --> 00:05:36,792
Another ten minutes in
that car ride to prison,

172
00:05:36,912 --> 00:05:39,165
I would've bought his
entire line of lotions.

173
00:05:39,167 --> 00:05:41,242
Now he can use them as a
dowry for his prison wife.

174
00:05:41,362 --> 00:05:42,826
You kidding me? With those cheekbones

175
00:05:42,946 --> 00:05:44,893
- he's gonna be the prison wife.
- (laughs softly)

176
00:05:45,196 --> 00:05:46,773
Where were we? Naked cooking.

177
00:05:46,775 --> 00:05:48,508
(door opens) Can we skip the cooking part?

178
00:05:48,510 --> 00:05:49,409
Yeah.

179
00:05:49,411 --> 00:05:50,643
(door closes) Yeah?

180
00:05:50,645 --> 00:05:53,012
Ha-ha-ha!
I'm free!

181
00:05:53,014 --> 00:05:54,547
You got to be kidding me.

182
00:05:54,549 --> 00:05:55,982
Due to...

183
00:05:55,984 --> 00:05:58,685
prison overcrowding, I was processed

184
00:05:58,687 --> 00:06:00,320
and immediately released.

185
00:06:00,322 --> 00:06:01,821
The system works.

186
00:06:01,823 --> 00:06:02,555
No.

187
00:06:02,557 --> 00:06:03,757
Classic reaction.

188
00:06:03,759 --> 00:06:05,725
All right, let's watch some movies, huh?

189
00:06:05,727 --> 00:06:07,657
Movie night. We can watch<i> Shawshank.</i>

190
00:06:07,777 --> 00:06:10,430
I can tell you guys all the
things that are real and...

191
00:06:10,432 --> 00:06:12,789
what's just Morgan
Freeman chewing up scenery.

192
00:06:12,909 --> 00:06:13,582
(chuckles)

193
00:06:14,288 --> 00:06:17,737
So am I gonna get one of
these glasses of wine, huh?

194
00:06:17,739 --> 00:06:20,507
Eh...

195
00:06:20,509 --> 00:06:21,592
yeah, there we go.

196
00:06:22,166 --> 00:06:23,666
_

197
00:06:25,975 --> 00:06:27,705
Everything looks good.

198
00:06:27,825 --> 00:06:29,523
You guys are free to resume

199
00:06:29,643 --> 00:06:31,718
all normal activities.

200
00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:32,884
All right,

201
00:06:33,004 --> 00:06:34,515
- back in business, bro.
- Yeah.

202
00:06:34,635 --> 00:06:36,506
You may find it more comfortable with this.

203
00:06:36,626 --> 00:06:38,688
Just be aware that it might feel a little

204
00:06:38,808 --> 00:06:40,176
different than it did before.

205
00:06:40,429 --> 00:06:42,762
Uh, d-different? Like how?

206
00:06:42,764 --> 00:06:46,065
Well, whereas before it may have felt

207
00:06:46,067 --> 00:06:48,968
like the firm handshake
of a closed business deal,

208
00:06:48,970 --> 00:06:50,800
now it may feel more like

209
00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:53,406
the mandatory handshake
of an eight-year-old

210
00:06:53,408 --> 00:06:55,575
at his parents' dinner party.

211
00:06:55,577 --> 00:06:57,877
Wow.

212
00:06:57,879 --> 00:06:59,979
All right. Green light, green light.

213
00:06:59,981 --> 00:07:01,448
Baby... crib, you... bedroom.

214
00:07:01,450 --> 00:07:02,507
Come on, people, let's do this.

215
00:07:02,627 --> 00:07:04,517
The runway is clear and the fog has lifted.

216
00:07:04,519 --> 00:07:06,553
I've not asked much of you
during your short, brief life,

217
00:07:06,555 --> 00:07:09,522
but today, I'm begging
you, please go to sleep.

218
00:07:10,459 --> 00:07:12,459
Okay. Oh.

219
00:07:12,461 --> 00:07:14,594
- Oh, hello.
- Wow.

220
00:07:14,596 --> 00:07:16,329
Okay, yeah. That's good.

221
00:07:16,331 --> 00:07:18,264
It's very casual, very relaxed.

222
00:07:18,266 --> 00:07:20,366
Hey, uh, honey.

223
00:07:20,368 --> 00:07:22,435
Let's turn the lights
off, like, just in case

224
00:07:22,437 --> 00:07:25,038
it looks like something
exploded down there.

225
00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:26,439
Yeah, uh, well, speaking of exploded,

226
00:07:26,441 --> 00:07:28,508
I'm sorry if this is going to go quick.

227
00:07:28,510 --> 00:07:30,410
It's just been a while since I've done it.

228
00:07:30,412 --> 00:07:31,744
With another person, you mean.

229
00:07:31,746 --> 00:07:32,883
- Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.

230
00:07:33,003 --> 00:07:33,831
Will you get the stuff that...

231
00:07:33,951 --> 00:07:35,648
-  the doctor gave me, okay?
- Oh, yeah.

232
00:07:35,650 --> 00:07:36,684
And really overdo it, you know.

233
00:07:36,804 --> 00:07:38,813
Think like a hair gel at a bar mitzvah.

234
00:07:38,933 --> 00:07:40,156
Okay.

235
00:07:40,276 --> 00:07:41,921
All right.

236
00:07:42,152 --> 00:07:43,690
- You got it?
- Yeah.

237
00:07:43,692 --> 00:07:45,124
Really doing it. Okay, okay.

238
00:07:45,126 --> 00:07:46,459
- Here we go.
- Here we go.

239
00:07:46,461 --> 00:07:47,861
- Hi.
- (laughs): Hi.

240
00:07:47,863 --> 00:07:49,562
(moaning)

241
00:07:49,564 --> 00:07:51,130
Feels like I'm on fire down there.

242
00:07:51,132 --> 00:07:53,433
- Yeah, me, too.
- (laughs)

243
00:07:53,435 --> 00:07:55,168
(moaning)

244
00:07:55,170 --> 00:07:57,370
Oh, no, it's like... like my genitals

245
00:07:57,372 --> 00:07:58,805
are-are actually burning.

246
00:07:58,807 --> 00:08:00,707
Yeah, mine, too. (grunts)

247
00:08:00,709 --> 00:08:02,175
What?

248
00:08:02,177 --> 00:08:03,776
This is hand sanitizer.

249
00:08:03,778 --> 00:08:05,879
- Oh, it burns!
- Oh, my God.

250
00:08:05,881 --> 00:08:08,181
(Jen yells, Greg grunts)

251
00:08:08,183 --> 00:08:09,649
(water running) There's
steam coming off of it.

252
00:08:09,651 --> 00:08:12,151
JEN: Oh, it looks like
morning on a golf course.

253
00:08:12,153 --> 00:08:14,220
GREG: Oh, come on, honey, get off the sink,

254
00:08:14,222 --> 00:08:16,189
JEN: I will not get off the sink!

255
00:08:16,191 --> 00:08:17,357
Oh, that's my side!

256
00:08:17,359 --> 00:08:18,791
- Okay, fine...
- (yells)

257
00:08:18,793 --> 00:08:20,498
Yeah, no, we checked online.

258
00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:22,328
We're just wondering if
there's anything medically

259
00:08:22,330 --> 00:08:23,661
we can do to speed this along?

260
00:08:23,781 --> 00:08:25,854
Relax, it'll go away in a couple hours.

261
00:08:25,974 --> 00:08:27,590
Oh, that's not what I wanted to hear.

262
00:08:27,710 --> 00:08:28,990
You have what we in the medical profession

263
00:08:29,110 --> 00:08:31,039
refer to as "cleanis."

264
00:08:31,337 --> 00:08:33,072
Oh, that is charming.

265
00:08:33,074 --> 00:08:34,477
Okay, well, thank you.

266
00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:36,876
Um, and, let's, obviously, let's keep this,

267
00:08:36,878 --> 00:08:38,646
um, between ourselves, huh?

268
00:08:38,766 --> 00:08:39,649
Of course.

269
00:08:40,718 --> 00:08:42,084
Heather, get down here!

270
00:08:42,204 --> 00:08:44,288
You're not gonna believe this!

271
00:08:45,921 --> 00:08:47,554
All right, you sure you
want to try this again?

272
00:08:47,674 --> 00:08:49,262
Yeah, we just gotta get
right back on the horse.

273
00:08:49,593 --> 00:08:51,324
Okay, but now you just said horse,

274
00:08:51,326 --> 00:08:52,692
and that's a lot to live up to.

275
00:08:52,694 --> 00:08:54,294
- Let's go. Okay.
- Okay.

276
00:08:54,296 --> 00:08:55,995
Okay, okay.

277
00:08:55,997 --> 00:08:58,031
- (Greg moaning)
- (Lark crying)

278
00:08:58,033 --> 00:09:00,033
(crying continues)

279
00:09:00,035 --> 00:09:01,714
No, no, no. You know
what, we're doing this.

280
00:09:01,834 --> 00:09:04,003
Yeah, babies cry. Babies cry all the time.

281
00:09:04,005 --> 00:09:05,505
- It's not the end of the world.
- No.

282
00:09:05,507 --> 00:09:07,507
And, like, what would they do in France?

283
00:09:07,509 --> 00:09:09,709
We'd be doing it while you give birth.

284
00:09:09,711 --> 00:09:11,377
- (crying continues)
- Touch�.

285
00:09:11,379 --> 00:09:13,913
(crying stops)

286
00:09:17,629 --> 00:09:19,852
- Go. Go. Go. Go.
- We got to go. Go, go, go.

287
00:09:19,854 --> 00:09:21,521
Oh, God. Oh, God, Lark?

288
00:09:21,523 --> 00:09:24,157
I'm sorry we ignored you.

289
00:09:26,061 --> 00:09:29,262
She's asleep, she's
alive, and I brought these.

290
00:09:29,264 --> 00:09:30,630
Thank you.

291
00:09:30,632 --> 00:09:32,158
So, listen, no pressure,

292
00:09:32,189 --> 00:09:35,054
but we have to do this now
or our marriage is dead.

293
00:09:35,297 --> 00:09:36,629
Oh, we have to do this now

294
00:09:36,749 --> 00:09:38,938
or my entire body is going to turn blue.

295
00:09:38,940 --> 00:09:39,606
(clinks)

296
00:09:39,608 --> 00:09:41,741
Well, okay.

297
00:09:43,378 --> 00:09:45,044
- Okay.
- All right.

298
00:09:45,046 --> 00:09:47,347
Come on, Blue Man Group, let's do this.

299
00:09:47,349 --> 00:09:49,940
- Oh. Ooh.
- Oh, that's quite the handshake...

300
00:09:49,962 --> 00:09:50,932
you've got there.

301
00:09:51,052 --> 00:09:53,286
(whispers): Wrong hand.

302
00:09:58,026 --> 00:09:59,892
It's good. I'm good. It's good.

303
00:09:59,894 --> 00:10:01,527
- Yeah, close your eyes a little.
- No, I think it's good. (coughs)

304
00:10:04,951 --> 00:10:06,051
_

305
00:10:07,562 --> 00:10:09,906
Okay, you know, I mean, the
bruising I totally expected,

306
00:10:09,908 --> 00:10:12,024
but, come on, a yeast infection?

307
00:10:12,377 --> 00:10:14,041
Nobody warned me that white-water rafting

308
00:10:14,161 --> 00:10:17,113
would be so punishing
on my little pita pocket.

309
00:10:21,420 --> 00:10:23,687
It's good. I'm good. It's good.

310
00:10:23,689 --> 00:10:25,121
You...

311
00:10:26,124 --> 00:10:29,025
are all set, girl.

312
00:10:29,027 --> 00:10:30,160
(both laugh)

313
00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:32,462
I'm ready to be in a Whitesnake video.

314
00:10:33,433 --> 00:10:36,366
Oh, wow, look.

315
00:10:36,368 --> 00:10:38,802
Yes, well, hi.

316
00:10:38,804 --> 00:10:40,770
It's good, right? You're next, girl.

317
00:10:40,772 --> 00:10:42,544
Have a seat, I'm going
to go mix up your color.

318
00:10:42,753 --> 00:10:45,041
I'm gonna sneak a couple
drags off my e-cig.

319
00:10:46,578 --> 00:10:48,648
Why... why is it so big?

320
00:10:48,768 --> 00:10:50,814
Well, maybe it'll rain on the way home

321
00:10:50,816 --> 00:10:52,192
and bring it down.

322
00:10:52,312 --> 00:10:54,495
It's not what I asked for, again.

323
00:10:54,517 --> 00:10:56,235
Did she understand what you wanted?

324
00:10:56,258 --> 00:10:59,122
I cut 12 pictures of Heidi
Klum out of magazines for her.

325
00:10:59,124 --> 00:11:00,457
Like I have nothing better to do.

326
00:11:00,459 --> 00:11:02,325
- Okay.
- Like I'm Seal.

327
00:11:02,327 --> 00:11:04,427
Well, you say something to her, that's all.

328
00:11:04,429 --> 00:11:07,531
Lynette, Heather has something
she'd like to say to you.

329
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:10,634
We're moving.

330
00:11:10,636 --> 00:11:12,702
Huh?

331
00:11:12,704 --> 00:11:15,572
To Paris... next week.

332
00:11:15,574 --> 00:11:17,974
- Oh, my God, I don't believe it.
- Yeah. Yeah.

333
00:11:17,976 --> 00:11:19,376
Girl, I am going to miss you.

334
00:11:19,378 --> 00:11:21,211
Oh, yeah. Me, too.

335
00:11:21,213 --> 00:11:22,479
(mouthing)

336
00:11:22,481 --> 00:11:23,847
Oh, oh, my God.

337
00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:25,649
And you must be so sad.

338
00:11:25,651 --> 00:11:29,820
Oh, it did kind of come out of nowhere.

339
00:11:29,822 --> 00:11:30,921
Mm-hmm, y-yeah.

340
00:11:30,923 --> 00:11:32,289
Nowhere.

341
00:11:32,291 --> 00:11:34,758
Oh, I've wanted to do that for so long.

342
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:36,193
I feel so free.

343
00:11:36,195 --> 00:11:38,428
You know, this could
just be the hair talking,

344
00:11:38,430 --> 00:11:40,163
but I want to get day-drunk.

345
00:11:40,165 --> 00:11:41,731
Why did you lie?

346
00:11:41,733 --> 00:11:44,501
Why didn't you just stop going?

347
00:11:44,503 --> 00:11:46,770
This is just better for everybody.

348
00:11:46,772 --> 00:11:48,338
Not for me.

349
00:11:48,340 --> 00:11:50,774
Now every time I go get my
hair done, I have to lie.

350
00:11:50,776 --> 00:11:52,709
And people always know I'm lying

351
00:11:52,711 --> 00:11:55,545
because eventually I say I'm lying.

352
00:11:55,547 --> 00:11:57,247
Mom, it'll be fine. You
know what this is like?

353
00:11:57,249 --> 00:11:58,515
It's just like that time

354
00:11:58,517 --> 00:11:59,883
you broke up with Mark Pauley for me.

355
00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:01,451
That was not fine.

356
00:12:01,453 --> 00:12:03,320
He climbed up our tree.

357
00:12:03,322 --> 00:12:05,689
We had to call the fire department.

358
00:12:05,691 --> 00:12:07,157
You know what I think this is about?

359
00:12:07,159 --> 00:12:09,593
I think this is about you being jealous

360
00:12:09,595 --> 00:12:12,529
because you want to break
up with Lynette, too.

361
00:12:12,531 --> 00:12:15,165
- I do.
- Yeah.

362
00:12:15,167 --> 00:12:16,433
I really do.

363
00:12:16,435 --> 00:12:17,667
I've wanted to for years

364
00:12:17,669 --> 00:12:18,935
but I've buried it.

365
00:12:18,937 --> 00:12:20,203
Let it out.

366
00:12:20,205 --> 00:12:21,905
Why is she always e-mailing me

367
00:12:21,907 --> 00:12:23,907
pictures of cats?

368
00:12:23,909 --> 00:12:24,941
You don't need that.

369
00:12:24,943 --> 00:12:26,243
She's cut my hair

370
00:12:26,245 --> 00:12:29,312
in exactly the same way for years.

371
00:12:29,314 --> 00:12:31,214
Yes, she has, and we are sick of it.

372
00:12:31,216 --> 00:12:33,660
And why does she always call me "girl"?

373
00:12:33,780 --> 00:12:36,052
You know what, tell her

374
00:12:36,054 --> 00:12:38,524
that you are going to prison for murder.

375
00:12:39,124 --> 00:12:40,390
Tell her you're going to prison for murder.

376
00:12:40,392 --> 00:12:42,025
That way she won't question you.

377
00:12:42,027 --> 00:12:44,828
No, I'm not going to lie.

378
00:12:44,830 --> 00:12:46,263
I'm a therapist.

379
00:12:46,265 --> 00:12:48,965
I'm a grown-ass woman.

380
00:12:49,315 --> 00:12:50,367
SOPHIA: <i>Okay.</i>

381
00:12:50,369 --> 00:12:52,787
Now we're at the part
where I call you<i> girl</i>

382
00:12:52,907 --> 00:12:55,472
- Oh.
- and you hate your haircut.

383
00:12:55,474 --> 00:12:57,440
Lynette, um,

384
00:12:57,442 --> 00:12:58,909
I need to talk to you.

385
00:12:58,911 --> 00:13:01,111
Uh, this isn't easy.

386
00:13:01,113 --> 00:13:03,380
But I've given it a lot of thought

387
00:13:03,382 --> 00:13:05,949
and I really think I
need a new hairstylist.

388
00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:07,684
(gasp) How could you?!

389
00:13:07,686 --> 00:13:08,952
I'm very upset.

390
00:13:08,954 --> 00:13:11,588
I hope you get lice and die.

391
00:13:11,590 --> 00:13:13,790
You don't think she'll say that, do you?

392
00:13:13,792 --> 00:13:15,392
I hope not, Mom-Mom.

393
00:13:15,394 --> 00:13:17,961
I just want you to be ready for the worst.

394
00:13:17,963 --> 00:13:19,396
I'm home.

395
00:13:19,398 --> 00:13:20,997
JOAN: Mom's home.

396
00:13:20,999 --> 00:13:21,932
Hi, Mom.

397
00:13:21,934 --> 00:13:23,366
Is it Mom, or is it

398
00:13:23,368 --> 00:13:25,701
the brunette, six months
younger Heidi Klum?

399
00:13:25,821 --> 00:13:27,070
JOAN: Oh, Heather.

400
00:13:27,072 --> 00:13:28,505
It's gorgeous.

401
00:13:28,507 --> 00:13:31,216
I went to Jen's place and it was amazing.

402
00:13:31,336 --> 00:13:32,968
There were all these chic lesbians there

403
00:13:33,088 --> 00:13:34,212
dressed in black with tattoos

404
00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:35,779
and music I've never heard of.

405
00:13:35,781 --> 00:13:37,319
Oh, it sounds so lovely.

406
00:13:37,416 --> 00:13:39,149
I didn't know how good it could be.

407
00:13:39,151 --> 00:13:40,680
You can, too, Mom.

408
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:42,152
Come on in, the water's warm.

409
00:13:42,154 --> 00:13:44,721
Can I keep this?

410
00:13:49,755 --> 00:13:51,243
LYNETTE: <i>No, you think that happens</i>

411
00:13:51,452 --> 00:13:53,363
at, like, any other dojo or just mine?

412
00:13:53,365 --> 00:13:56,815
Well, unfortunately, I don't
know a lot about ringworm.

413
00:13:56,830 --> 00:13:58,134
Oh, I'll tell you something, girl,

414
00:13:58,136 --> 00:14:00,074
- that cream is expensive.
- Yeah.

415
00:14:00,194 --> 00:14:01,404
I mean, even if you get it from a vet.

416
00:14:01,406 --> 00:14:04,641
Lynette, I-I really need to
talk to you about something.

417
00:14:04,643 --> 00:14:06,509
If-if you don't mind.

418
00:14:06,511 --> 00:14:08,211
Mm-hmm. Oh, hang on. (phone buzzing)

419
00:14:08,213 --> 00:14:09,859
(gasps) It's my boyfriend.

420
00:14:09,979 --> 00:14:10,880
Sorry, he's, like, tried me three times.

421
00:14:10,882 --> 00:14:12,082
Let me just take this?

422
00:14:12,084 --> 00:14:13,566
- Sure.
- Okay.

423
00:14:14,486 --> 00:14:17,387
You can do this. You can do this.

424
00:14:17,389 --> 00:14:19,441
Do you want to look
like an '80s broadcaster

425
00:14:19,561 --> 00:14:20,751
for the rest of your life?

426
00:14:22,027 --> 00:14:24,160
Lynette... he broke up with me.

427
00:14:24,162 --> 00:14:25,921
- What?
- How come everyone I love...

428
00:14:25,943 --> 00:14:27,197
always leaves me?

429
00:14:27,317 --> 00:14:29,432
- Oh, for Pete's sake.
- What?

430
00:14:30,285 --> 00:14:33,567
I said, I-I'm so sorry, and I know

431
00:14:33,687 --> 00:14:35,772
you'd like to process this privately, so...

432
00:14:35,774 --> 00:14:38,394
- No, no, no. No, I have, um...
- I look fine. I'm just gonna go.

433
00:14:38,514 --> 00:14:40,543
I have, um, some white wine in my purse.

434
00:14:40,545 --> 00:14:44,014
And we could just put it over ice. Hug.

435
00:14:44,016 --> 00:14:45,348
Oh...

436
00:14:46,058 --> 00:14:47,951
I'm here for you.

437
00:14:48,669 --> 00:14:51,621
Girl.

438
00:14:52,758 --> 00:14:54,491
My mom lets me watch R movies.

439
00:14:54,493 --> 00:14:56,459
Yeah, but have you seen<i> Alien?</i>

440
00:14:56,461 --> 00:14:58,294
- BOTH: No.
- (Tim roars)

441
00:15:00,418 --> 00:15:02,318
_

442
00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:04,335
(inhales and blows raspberries repeatedly)

443
00:15:04,337 --> 00:15:06,904
Just a couple more breaths,
I'll have it all blown up.

444
00:15:07,169 --> 00:15:08,788
Dad, you're such a dork.

445
00:15:09,264 --> 00:15:10,942
Thank you.

446
00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:12,276
You're my favorite dad.

447
00:15:12,278 --> 00:15:14,045
Ah, I'm your only dad.

448
00:15:14,047 --> 00:15:16,881
- Hey, Sam, happy birthday!
- Hey!

449
00:15:16,883 --> 00:15:18,950
- Happy birthday!
- How are you?

450
00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:21,219
- Great. How are you?
- TIM: Hey, girls!

451
00:15:21,221 --> 00:15:24,055
Who's ready to jumpty jump?!

452
00:15:24,057 --> 00:15:25,790
Oh, man. A bounce house?

453
00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:28,426
What is this, baby's first party?

454
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:31,929
Yeah... Yeah, Dad, I'm not five!

455
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:33,264
Come on.

456
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:34,631
Let's go inside.

457
00:15:37,430 --> 00:15:39,206
TIM: <i>I don't understand
what happened.</i>

458
00:15:39,326 --> 00:15:41,105
I mean, she asked for a bounce house.

459
00:15:41,107 --> 00:15:43,107
Honey, she's 13. 13 is the state line

460
00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:45,142
between adorable and intolerable.

461
00:15:45,144 --> 00:15:46,844
One minute, she's my perfect little angel,

462
00:15:46,846 --> 00:15:48,513
and the next minute,
she's like this sea beast

463
00:15:48,515 --> 00:15:50,815
with three mouths
stacked inside each other.

464
00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:52,750
Yeah, well, I hate to tell
you, she's gonna be a sea beast

465
00:15:52,752 --> 00:15:54,852
till she's about 23, then
you have a couple good years.

466
00:15:54,854 --> 00:15:56,521
She'll go back to sea beast.

467
00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:58,990
Then, after that, it just
rotates, depending on nothing.

468
00:15:58,992 --> 00:16:00,725
But Tyler was never a sea beast.

469
00:16:01,277 --> 00:16:02,104
No, because...

470
00:16:02,224 --> 00:16:03,928
- Tyler takes 40-minute showers.
- Ah.

471
00:16:04,538 --> 00:16:07,198
His puberty is single-handedly
responsible for the drought.

472
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,566
-  Ah.
- You know, she's becoming...

473
00:16:08,686 --> 00:16:09,464
a young woman.

474
00:16:09,584 --> 00:16:12,009
She-she has new friends and new feelings,

475
00:16:12,129 --> 00:16:14,572
and she just wants to
be treated like an adult.

476
00:16:14,574 --> 00:16:15,840
So, we just talk about interest rates

477
00:16:15,842 --> 00:16:17,174
and how bad our knees hurt?

478
00:16:17,176 --> 00:16:19,410
No, you talk about nothing.

479
00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:22,713
You just try to avoid eye
contact and stay out of her way.

480
00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:24,448
Treat her like my mom. Got it.

481
00:16:24,450 --> 00:16:26,584
Hey, girls, pizza's here.

482
00:16:26,586 --> 00:16:29,587
Hey, so, should I serve them, or
are they gonna serve themselves?

483
00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:32,189
- I mean, how does this work?
- (loud, overlapping chatter)

484
00:16:32,191 --> 00:16:34,859
Heather?

485
00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:37,862
Oh, she is good at this.

486
00:16:37,864 --> 00:16:40,298
Hello, ladies.

487
00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:42,833
You partying or what?

488
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:45,970
Dad, are you gonna eat with us?

489
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:48,573
No.

490
00:16:48,575 --> 00:16:51,175
I can find someplace else to eat.

491
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:56,380
(exhales loudly)

492
00:16:57,550 --> 00:16:59,784
(movie music plays)

493
00:17:00,461 --> 00:17:02,286
KYLIE: This is so fake.

494
00:17:02,288 --> 00:17:04,555
In real life, you have to turn
your head to the side, and open

495
00:17:04,557 --> 00:17:06,467
your mouth only a little. That way the boy

496
00:17:06,587 --> 00:17:08,192
still has to work to
get it all the way open.

497
00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:11,729
I like scary movies.

498
00:17:12,241 --> 00:17:13,311
PG is for babies.

499
00:17:13,431 --> 00:17:16,013
TIM: You guys like scary movies,huh?

500
00:17:16,686 --> 00:17:18,936
I got a good one for you, but it's rated R.

501
00:17:18,938 --> 00:17:20,304
Really?

502
00:17:20,306 --> 00:17:22,139
My mom lets me watch R movies.

503
00:17:22,141 --> 00:17:24,976
Yeah, but have you seen<i> Alien?</i>

504
00:17:24,978 --> 00:17:26,811
What, is that like<i> E.T.?</i>

505
00:17:26,813 --> 00:17:30,214
Yeah, if E.T. went... (roars)

506
00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:32,116
(overlapping chatter)

507
00:17:32,118 --> 00:17:34,885
"And the cow vowed to always eat clover,

508
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:37,755
no matter how many leaves it had"

509
00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:40,224
(man grunting on TV)

510
00:17:40,226 --> 00:17:43,394
(yelling)

511
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:46,564
"And the happy cow felt especially happy.."

512
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,265
(rustling on TV, girls gasp)

513
00:17:48,267 --> 00:17:50,534
Oh, God.

514
00:17:50,536 --> 00:17:51,869
(girls screaming)

515
00:17:51,871 --> 00:17:53,938
(screaming continues)

516
00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:58,330
"... knowing that he had
done right by his calves.

517
00:17:58,550 --> 00:17:59,751
The end."

518
00:18:01,338 --> 00:18:04,582
Daddy, why couldn't <i>I</i>
watch the movie, too?

519
00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:06,751
Because you, my dear, are still a kid,

520
00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:08,853
and we want you to stay that way forever.

521
00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:10,097
Sweet dreams.

522
00:18:15,150 --> 00:18:17,395
Okay. Night, night then.

523
00:18:17,397 --> 00:18:20,131
Night, Daddy.

524
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,239
(shower running)

525
00:18:29,359 --> 00:18:31,242
Tyler, need you out here, buddy!

526
00:18:31,244 --> 00:18:34,178
Could really use some
masculine energy in the house.

527
00:18:38,420 --> 00:18:40,584
Dude, there's a drought!

528
00:18:40,586 --> 00:18:42,435
(indistinct, overlapping chatter)

529
00:18:42,938 --> 00:18:45,923
Look at that! She cannot unsee that!

530
00:18:45,925 --> 00:18:48,492
I am so sorry. I swear
when I left, it was...

531
00:18:48,494 --> 00:18:50,361
it was a housekeeper becoming a princess.

532
00:18:50,363 --> 00:18:52,900
Does<i> that</i> look
like a princess to you?!

533
00:18:53,330 --> 00:18:55,232
Technically, its mother is the queen, so...

534
00:18:55,234 --> 00:18:57,234
- Don't go, please.
- Hey, what's going on?

535
00:18:57,236 --> 00:18:59,870
Don't touch me! You've ruined everything!

536
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:05,876
Hey! What were you thinking?

537
00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:07,378
Well, you said, treat them like adults!

538
00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:09,346
I was just trying to do something cool.

539
00:19:09,348 --> 00:19:11,382
I said, no eye contact.

540
00:19:11,384 --> 00:19:13,884
I said, "Stay out of her way."

541
00:19:19,551 --> 00:19:22,041
Would have been easier raising you.

542
00:19:22,735 --> 00:19:24,455
Dude, seriously? It's been 30 minutes.

543
00:19:24,575 --> 00:19:26,497
I could really use a friend out here.

544
00:19:28,036 --> 00:19:29,490
My pizza in there?

545
00:19:38,923 --> 00:19:40,278
Can I come in?

546
00:19:40,969 --> 00:19:43,386
Thought you were mad at
me. What changed your mind?

547
00:19:44,818 --> 00:19:47,540
Kylie called you a dork.

548
00:19:47,542 --> 00:19:48,444
I am a dork.

549
00:19:48,763 --> 00:19:50,652
I know, but she can't say that.

550
00:19:51,015 --> 00:19:52,879
Only I can say it.

551
00:19:52,881 --> 00:19:54,881
Sorry I screwed up your party.

552
00:19:55,610 --> 00:19:56,789
Just having a hard time

553
00:19:56,909 --> 00:20:00,019
understanding the women
in my life, you know.

554
00:20:00,749 --> 00:20:02,455
First five years I lived with your mom,

555
00:20:02,457 --> 00:20:03,886
all I did was apologize.

556
00:20:04,006 --> 00:20:05,363
You're still apologizing.

557
00:20:05,483 --> 00:20:07,721
- I'm sorry.
- (laughs)

558
00:20:08,229 --> 00:20:09,772
So am I.

559
00:20:10,081 --> 00:20:12,527
I actually thought the
movie was really cool.

560
00:20:12,647 --> 00:20:14,015
- You did?
- Yeah.

561
00:20:14,135 --> 00:20:16,538
That part where the alien
rips out the guy's stomach?

562
00:20:16,658 --> 00:20:18,632
Kylie almost threw up in her purse.

563
00:20:18,752 --> 00:20:21,805
(laughs) First time I saw that, I
spilled my drink all over my fanny pack.

564
00:20:21,925 --> 00:20:22,995
(laughs)

565
00:20:24,659 --> 00:20:26,731
Can we bounce for a little bit?

566
00:20:28,284 --> 00:20:31,351
We can bounce for as long as you like.

567
00:20:35,331 --> 00:20:36,709
Hey, you ever hear of<i> The Shining?</i>

568
00:20:36,829 --> 00:20:38,384
- No.
- Well, imagine

569
00:20:38,504 --> 00:20:40,058
every time you turn a corner,

570
00:20:40,753 --> 00:20:43,105
there's two Sophias standing there.

571
00:20:43,347 --> 00:20:48,043
Terrifying. One, two, three.

572
00:20:48,163 --> 00:20:51,193
Synced and corrected by Octavia
- www.addic7ed.com -

573
00:20:51,243 --> 00:20:55,793
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0